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| This past weekend I went back to Lubbock and it felt a lot better than I would've ever expected. It's so strange how much love I felt from the friends I left. I mean, I know they're my friends and all, but it felt as if it was a lifelong thing. Maybe I was just being a bitch, or maybe since it's the end of the semester, people were feeling a little different.
It's strange to think that, assuming I don't go back in the next few weeks, that was the last time I would see some of my friends. It's a strange feeling to know that the people you've grown close to during these past four years are getting ready to become an adult - they'll have a career soon with bills to pay, taxes to worry about, and work issues. I should know, this internship has been an eye opener to how limited your time becomes as you move into a full-time career. I guess the first time I had to part ways with college friends (FSA) it wasn't as bad since most of them started out before me. Now, I'm losing some of the people I started out with. Will I be that guy that gets left behind to finish his extra semester or year alone? Will I be the last guy to graduate and move into a job - only to start over again? I won't sugar coat it, it's easy for me to make acquaintances, but it's very hard for me to make friends. Blame it on my personality, my hobbies, whatever, but the fact of the matter is that I've been more of a "quality over quantity" type person. And as I get older and people my age begin having shifting priorities - from youthful mischief to mature hobbies, from carefree recklessness to slow and lazy activities, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that transition just yet.
Maybe it's the inevitable drifting apart that scares me the most. Maybe it really is the bond between my friends and I that I'm so afraid to lose. Maybe, despite all my past talks about how happy I was alone, I don't want to be alone again. | | |
| For spring break, a few college buddies - Adam, Forbus, Francisco, Brose, Joe, his old roommate Jorje, and his roommate Jonathan - came down and we took a vacation to South Padre Island. Even though I know it was just because it was on the way to South Padre, it was sort of endearing to see my friends so far from Lubbock. I guess after all these years, I still haven't gotten the hang of moving.
The trip itself was alright. Too much drinking, Adam and Forbus pulling not grenades, but land mines - giant, annoying, dirty land mines - clubbing, beaches, surfing, and all the brotastic bromantic brotimes that come associated with it. Without getting too sentimental, I sometimes wonder exactly how in-touch we'll stay post-graduation. They're not the best of the best of people friend-wise, but then again who the hell judges their friends on a scale that way?
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| What is it as humans that makes us so fascinated with the past - our fancy with time travel, the feeling of nostalgia, the reminiscing with old friends about times long gone - in one way or another, it seems that most of us have at least some opinion on what has transpired. Maybe it's the notion of "simpler times," or perhaps the ability to fill in the lapses in fact with whatever we (consciously or subconsciously) choose. Maybe it's that ability to control how we view the past that gives us so much strength in it - we know what has happened, and we can be certain of it because we were there, we experienced it.
In any case, in my humble opinion, I think the prospect of the past is much more interesting than the prospect of the future.
For me, the past secretly keeps the logic behind who I am as a person today. I think that for most all of us, our past holds the secret to why we are the person we are presently.
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| Things have changed quite a bit in the past few months. I obtained two internships - one at AMD and the other at Ford, the former being in Austin, Texas and the latter all the way in Detroit, Michigan. As I type this I'm laying down on my air mattress provided to me courtesy of my roommate Joe. He's a real laid back LSU grad that does marathons and whatnot. It worked out well because we have a few common interests such as DJing and exercise. The other roommate is a Filipino UT Pan Am grad student named Kester. He reminds me a lot of George - very intelligent, but socially undeveloped. His heart is in the right place, he's just a few years behind on interaction.
Since I'm in Austin, Jae is only 90 minutes away! It's great being able to see each other more often now. I really despised how she had to drive so far to visit me back at Tech, but now I can even drive over to her apartment on the weekends if she happens to be free  I'm really glad I have her. These past few weeks transitioning from all the work it took to find a subleaser, moving out of Lynnwood, moving to Austin, and filling in the time from New Year's to now would have been so lonely without her. She selflessly listens to my bitching, cheers me up, and just generally always makes me feel better. I need to tell her how much I appreciate her more often.
Oh, and I'm rocking one of these now 
Yup, that's right. A 4Runner just like mom lol. Unfortunately, I traded my graduation gift (ahem, BMW 335i ahem) for this, but in the end this is more practical for someone that moves around frequently like me and I wouldn't be able to adequately care for the BMW like I would want to. Oh well, that's life. It just means when I finally do hop back into a car, it'll be that much sweeter. Here's a final parting image, future me.
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| Life has a funny way of catching up to people. New things arrive and old things seem to be pushed further and further to the back of our minds as we attempt to deal with the ever-changing scenery around us. Although the frequency of our talks began to grow further and further apart, you were still on my mind. As often as it would snow here in Texas, you would occasionally pop back into my life; saying hello, recounting a dream you had of me or us. The awkward chuckles and lingering silence afterward did nothing to quell any sensations I had in my chest or the tumultuous torrents in my stomach. We had both grown older, and we had both become more adjusted to what realistically happens as far as situations like ours went. We had both had relationships in between then of course, with yours lasting much longer than mine. But on those visits of yours to Texas, we had never seemed to quite remember if either of us were in any relationship. Now, though, we understood how things would play out for our future, or lack thereof, and we respected it. But I would be doing us no good if I weren't to mention the atmosphere of any time we were in each others' presence, or the extra few seconds in our goodbyes. Again, I still wonder if maybe we made the right decision in conforming to reality.
It's been about two years now. You've long since deleted me from your life - traditionally, electronically, all without any sort of explanation. To say that we're friends anymore would be quite peculiar, given our disconnection via text, Facebook, even AIM. I heard that you're engaged as well; your marriage is set for the spring. I'm happy, but only because I care for you in the sense that my emotions should be of no weight to your well being. I doubt I'll be invited to this. Hell, I doubt I would even show up, but as always, I wonder if in some small moment after you've just finished a movie such as this, or in a passing glance at an arcade, or perhaps when you visit your family's house and in your old room as you stare at your bulletin board of memories, you think about me and us, and wonder just as I do, "I wonder if we made the right choice."
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True
